4.00AM Thoughts

So you want to be a writer? Well, yeah, I do. What experience do you have? Er, little to none. But you’re gonna do it anyway? Yeah. 

Following the advice of every meme and #wordlover quote, I’m just going to ‘start’.

For me, writing has always been something I have wanted to do and, ashamedly, never seriously pursued. I could list my excuses but you’ve heard them all before. So as I enter this new chapter in my life, I can honestly say I don’t know how this is going to pan out. And if that sounds interwoven with self-doubt and low self-confidence, it’s because it is. I don’t know this is going to work for me, I don’t even know if I can do it, but I’m sure as hell going to try to learn along the way. All I know for now is; waking up at 4.00AM, tapping your restless feet until it is time to get up and write is not normal. Or maybe for me, it IS the new normal.

But then I had to write about something. ‘Don’t be just another mummy blog,’ was the eye-roll advice from one friend and it was all I could hear ringing in my head. ‘Lots start but then quit,’ was the tone of another (that’ll be me, actually). So I listed what I couldn’t really write about. I say list, they were just thoughts in my head, but by the end, the imagery was a waste-paper bin full of scrunched up ideas.  My lists of ‘can’t do well’ read as the quality traits of an all-time loser. Fashion? Nah. I can’t keep up. Health and nutrition? I would really have to follow my own advice. Raising kids? I don’t think I’d be telling you anything you don’t already know and usually, my advice is; it’ll be reet. Teaching? Well having done it for ten years, my angle would be: don’t do it. Ever. End of blog. I can’t design homes, draw or any of that. So in the end, I scrapped trying to force something and just thought about me. Something, I discovered, I don’t do very often and it got me thinking about all things I don’t share with people. I mostly wear my heart on my sleeve and can be very open to sharing aspects of my life that would make some people cringe at the thought of sharing. The real woes, however, the bits I can’t make fun about or make jokes of, are the parts I should be sharing the most. My illness, my everyday struggle that I try to hide as best I can. It’s time to uncover, own up and be honest about this disease. Rheumatoid arthritis. Through my journey, I will be sharing what life is like for the average girl, woman, trying to live her life, build a future and not be defeated by this chronic pain.

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